Friday, June 1, 2007

Everyone Familiar With This?

From Chapter 5 "How It Works:"

(are you familiar with this part?)

"Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

(found on Page 60 of the book, "Alcoholics Anonymous")

Screw THAT, my friends



Or at least I want to be the only one who knows that I haven't attained SPIRITUAL PERFECTION!


I just have to say - I must still be a pretty sick recovering addict - 'cos today I had the impression that I needed to be perfect...I mean - not just excellent or faultless, but PERFECT.

I just received a rental increase letter today (grr) and I spent so much time trying to write the PERFECT rebuttal letter...

Then I realized - THERE ARE NO LAWS to keep my landlord from doing this - raising the rent - anyway!

So my PERFECT LETTER that I spent waaaaaaaay more time on than I needed to (quite a few li'l anger management breaks while I was writing heh)...has turned out to be the worst WASTE OF TIME EVER!

2 HOURS of it.

I could have studied Fairy Tales - or World Literature
(Hey shhhh-up, I heard you laughing about 'fairy tales' - it's a SERIOUS STUDY - it's a 3rd year University course)

Anyhow - I could have played with my cat (who is still sorely needing attention after that near-fire a couple of weeks ago...he's still jumpy and parks his furry self right at the window opening about 20 hours of the day!), had a nap, worked on World Literature homework, gone to see a friend, gone for a walk...(gone to a meeting shhhhhhh!)

And it wasn't the letter that had to be PERFECT!

IT WAS ME - in the letter!

Haha - I had to 'portray' myself as having been the perfect tenant, surely non-deserving of this rental increase and a buncha other stuff...and the fact is.

I still shouldn't have my rent raised


- I am not that perfect tenant I was writing about. Sheeeeeeesh - but that was what took up so much time! I didn't lie or anything - I just left out the couple of things that I should be held responsible for - like breaking my window screen and something from the past...I let a person stay here for 2 weeks without telling my landlord 'cos my friend was in a crises...technically the landlord could have charged extra money for that because technically an extra tenant was here for more than just overnight for one or two nights. I just didn't bother asking permission though I'm quite sure my landlord would have understood the situation at the time and would have refrained from charging me or my friend anything extra - since my friend and I knew the situation would be very temporary...

...neither of those things are seriously BAD things...but they do point to the fact that I am not perfect - and also - I have hidden 2 details from my landlord instead of reasonably discussion those things. I actually cranked in the letter about my screen being broken for several months...without explaining how it got that way (I locked myself out and had to come through the window - didn't even break the screen at that was when I tried to put the screen BACK later that I broke it lol).

What the heck?

.....the details aren't really bad and I'm not a bad tenant or horrible person because of those things...but I had to try to come off as PERFECT in the letter - and try to write about my situation as if I have never done anything wrong - EVER.

So - I guess I am still pretty sick, all things considered. I KNOW, myself, that I'm not perfect - but I don't want anyone else to know that!


What a dumb post, eh?

Things like this bother me - thot I would post it and maybe someone else who has had a similar experience can comment.

When I was browsing the Big Book - I got to the paragraph that I posted at the top of this blog entry.....and it kinda gnawed at me.


Ah well - maybe tomorrow I'll be perfect.


Maybe I will just act and think with more balance, eh?

This little incident is a reminder, for sure, that I can over-tip with certain behaviors once I allow my mind to get too set. Hmmm I think when I was in treatment, the counsellors used to call this 'obsessive thinking.'

So - oh great - it's not gone...obsession

Oh great - I'm still not perfect



I am grateful that it was not obsessive thinking of another sort - where I thought constantly about alcohol, drugs, using.

And - I got rid of the letter


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