You May Have a Drinking Problem...

(Joking - but some of this is NOT funny - some of it is how an active alcoholic or addict actually thinks, on occasion! Or, rather - some of these are the jokes that alcoholics will go ahead and brush off - just so they can continue to see drinking as a funny endeavor...I hope it doesn't offend - hope some of it makes you LAUGH)

YOU MAY HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM IF:

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the
bar.
* Every person you see has an exact twin.
* Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you.
* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
* That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
* You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
* The glass keeps missing your mouth.
* Every night you're beginning to find your cat more and more
attractive.
* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the
earth.
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw
dinner!
* At A.A, meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
* Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
* Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
* You can't remember what your family looks like or if you
have a family.
* You loose your car at least once a week.
* You think alcohol abuse is spilling your drink.
* On the way to the bathroom, someone's always stepping on
your hands.
* You don't have any friends, just drinking buddies.
* You quit calling in sick. You let your wife do it.
* You pee in the kitchen sink while mixing another drink.
* Selling beer cans seems like a weekly bonus.
* You celebrate getting out of jail by getting drunk.
* You decorate your Christmas tree with chains of beer tabs.
* No visit to a friend's house is complete until you've puked
on their carpet.
* Your job is interfering with your drinking.
* The toilet seat keeps hitting you in the back of the head.
* You think the sun shining in your face is God's flashlight
telling you to get up and go home.
* You throw-up on purpose so you can hold more.
* It's normal to drive with one eye shut so not to see double.
* You order a keg of beer for your kid's first birthday
party.
* You measure distance by how many beers it takes to get there.
* Your main prayer is "God, get me out of this and I'll never
drink again".
* You think your only drinking problem is when you're out.

Sadly, a few years ago, a couple of these statements were more true than funny for me, personally.

"My job interfered with my drinking" and "You don't have any friends, just drinking buddies," for instance.

I'm glad I don't have to worry 'bout that last one on the list anymore!

*whew*

Couple Of Jokes

Couple of ladies go into town for the day to do some shopping. They meet up
later in the liquor store. Hey Mary, how ya doing? says Cathy. Oh, pretty
good says Mary, I just got a case of beer for Johnny. Wow, says Cathy, Good
trade!

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several
false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was
just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a
complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the
hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling,
stumbling, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of
the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his
feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, A hospital
security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and
asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the
sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

Drunks Tick me off and Drunks With Dogs Joke

I'm not feeling very serious lately. Well, I'm cranky, actually...
About my recovery 'Yes-serious'
About things in general 'No' - no serious allowed.
I've had a bad week, so I started looking up jokes to cheer myself up.

I'm cranky because - a drunk neighbor nearly burned down our apartments last Saturday when he passed out with food in the oven, so I have had my fill of 'serious' this week. To boot, doc says I will be sick for a while (NO really effective meds I can take because I screwed up for 20+ years as an addict and cannot take most drugs without risk of addiction to the prescriptions - grr) because I have to heal naturally. *coughcough* Heck - there was no fire at all, either - just a lot of SMOKE. I woke the guy up before anything began to 'flame,' but the smoke was pretty brutal at the time and I had to leave my apartment for 2 hours before I could breathe in my own place again.

This proves:
Drinking can affect even people who aren't family or friends!

Starting or almost starting a fire because you're so fried on dope and alcohol - is very much like driving drunk then, isn't it? The drunk/druggie doesn't think their problem is anyone else's...but really

IT IS anyone around them that shares in the problem.

Now - my health problems, for however long they last 'til I heal up, stop having headaches and extra coughing, etc...are my problem - because I'm clean but someone else who lives beside me won't clean up their act!

I wasn't going to bring this to my blog and just bytch about it...but I've been hangin' on to it since Saturday and really...

It's a pretty pertinent topic for the blog, don't you think?

Anyhow - that's my blurb about bein' bytchy and sick...and also - here's a li'l info 'bout how being bytchy and sick can affect thinking when you're in recovery...

(something that I had to work on for a while JUST NOW 'cos this is the stuff that can make addicts in recovery - go back out and use)

... since I am up in the middle of the night from medication that I CAN TAKE which makes me jittery and wakes me up - and I was otherwise probably going to wake up from coughing anyway...I decided not to just lay there and feel kinda sick - I got up and started reading. I got even crankier than expected, really quick-like and homework sucked after about an hour... I slammed the books shut and got to wondering why I sobered up in order to live near an addict who keeps causing *coughcough* apartment problems blahblahblah (told ya I'm sick'n'cranky, eh?)...and finally, I started thinkin' that I might as well have gone to the bar last weekend and caused my OWN PROBLEMS with booze. I figured for a while it was starting to make sense that way because - so long as I don't have any control over OTHER PEOPLE but they can SERIOUSLY AFFECT my life with THEIR BOOZE and DRUG problems...blahblahblah it was just getting worse 'cos I am *coughcough* tired and cranky and it's the middle of the night...

It was all just stinkin' thinkin'...

SO I HAD TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS...

Just spent the last hour IGNORING HOMEWORK and reading JOKES!

NOW I still feel kinda cranky and kinda sick - but feeling NOT SERIOUS AT ALL...

Plus...I don't think, anymore, that I should have just gone to the bar last weekend, etc, etc...that was just bytchy pity thinkin' from a little while ago and I'm glad I'm over that...

SO anyhow...here's a joke I thought was kinda cute...

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a doberman and the other,
a chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the doberman said
to her friend, Let's go over to that bar for a drink. The lady with the
chihuahua said, We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us. The one with
the doberman said, Just watch, and do as I do. They walked over to the bar
and the one with the doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to
walk in. The bouncer at the door said, Sorry, lady, no pets allowed. The
woman with the doberman said, You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye
dog. The bouncer said, A doberman? The woman said, Yes, they're using them
now. They're very good. The bouncer said, OK, come on in. The lady with the
chihuahua thought that convincing him that a chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog
may be a bit more difficult, but thought, what the heck, so she put on her
dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, Sorry,
lady, no pets allowed. The woman said, You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog. The bouncer said, A chihuahua? The woman with the chihuahua
said, A chihuahua? The bastards sold me a chihuahua?

I'm glad I didn't just lay around when I couldn't sleep 'cos that's when 'sick and tired of it' thoughts and 'stinking thinking' thoughts occur - and I'm glad I got up to read some cool jokes. Now I'm tired but laughing.

Wow - what a screwed up post, eh?

I'm outta here - got more jokes to read.

The Wrong Way To Consider 12-Steps

Just Joking Here

LOL

Read!

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has completed their aftercare.
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not learn our
numerous slogans, and go to 90 meetings in 90 days. They are usually
men and women who are constitutionally incapable of forming meaningful
relationships in treatment centers. There are such unfortunates.
They are not at fault; their therapist told them so. They are naturally
incapable of grasping and developing a relationship with a vulnerable
newcomer. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too,
who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them
do recover if they have the capacity to form meaningful relationships.

Our stories disclose in a general way: how we were harmed, what happened
to those who harmed us, and how we got even in the end. If you have
decided you want what we have, you obviously haven't been paying attention
to our stories. If you're still determined to get what we have and are
willing to exert minimal effort to get it--then you are ready for a
temporary sponsor.

At their first suggestion we balked. We were sure that our sponsors
didn't understand. We were determined to find a sponsor who would see
things our way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command,
we beg of you to take it easy on these old fools. Some of us have tried
to re-educate our sponsors but the result was nil until we let go of
them absolutely.

Remember that we are dealing with your ego, cunning, baffling, powerful!
Without constant praise and reassurance it is too much for us. But there
is one, and possibly more, who has all power, that one is your significant
other. May you find them now!

Half measures availed us nothing. It was time to move in together. Having
abandoned common sense completely, we asked his or her protection and care
with great expectations.

Here are the steps we took, which interpreted properly, offer a spiritual
path to staying sober and having your own way in a meaningful relationship:

1. Don't drink or get loaded. Try to ignore the fact that you've never
actually been able to do this.

2. Came to believe that the right relationship could restore us to sanity.

3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our
significant other, assuming they had what we needed.

4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our significant other.

5 Complained to God, to ourselves, and to our temporary sponsors about
the exact nature of their wrongs.

6 Were entirely ready to have God remove these defective characters.

7 Humbly demanded that He find us the right significant other.

8 Made a list of everyone we found attractive and became willing to have
significant relationships with them all.

9. Made direct amends to people we believed might still be willing to
help us restore our net worth, except when their significant other was
attractive to us.

10. Continued to find fault with others and when they were wrong promptly
pointed it out.

11. Sought through prayer and manipulation to improve the behavior of our
significant other, praying for knowledge of all their hot buttons and
just the right time to push them.

12. Having gotten our own way as the result of these steps, we tried to
convince our significant other that this was really for their own good,
and that their future happiness lay in doing my will.

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! They won't go through with it."
Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to do this with just
one partner. Fortunately the treatment centers, meetings, and social
activities are full of prospects who are not saints. The point is, that
we are willing to keep replacing partners until we find one or more who
will do it our way.

The principles we have set down have proven themselves in coffee shops,
clubhouses, and meetings across the land. We claim personal development
rather than personal perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the wives, and our
personal difficulties before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and it wasn't our fault.

(b) That our current therapist and significant other could not relieve
our alcoholism.

(c) That the right partner could and would if they were sought.

:)

Can You Tell Myth From Fact?

Some statments about alcoholism and addiction.

Can you tell what things are true and which are myth?


1. Beer is not as intoxicating as "hard liquor".

2. Alcohol, a depressant drug, slows down reaction time and affects judgement. The effects of alcohol (and any other drug) depends not only on the amount consumed, but also on a number of other factors such as, the past drinking experience of the user, the way in which it is consumed, the feelings and mood of the person.

3. Spider and insects who are victims of the cycle of addiction are truly a new and widespread concern among scientists who only realized in 2006 that arachnids and insects actually had a propensity for addiction. Before the 2007 film, "Spiders On Drugs," (which detailed the results of extensive studies on spiders in the Canadian Hinterlands), the world merely thought that spiders and insects were nominal, unimportant, gross little creatures - acting upon instincts - rather than exhibiting addictive and co-dependent behaviors.

4. People who drink or use drugs harm not only themselves, but others such as their families and friends who care about them. The costs are even greater if a person drinks and drives.

5. Drinking coffee or taking a cold shower are ways of sobering up quickly.

6. Eating before drinking will keep a person from getting drunk.

7. Just as many women have drinking problems as men. However, women are less likely to seek treatment because of lower self-esteem, the stigma attached to being a female drinker, and the barriers associated with family responsibilities.

8. Drinking among natives is higher than drinking among the general population.

9. Blacking out and passing out are the same thing.

10. Beer is as intoxicating as "hard liquor". The same amount of alcohol is in a 12oz. bottle of beer and 1½ oz. of "hard liquor". Sometimes these beverages affect individuals in different ways but they are just as intoxicating.

11. If a person drinks or uses other drugs, they are only hurting themselves.

12. The "Spiders On Drugs" Video is a joke project put together by US higher-education students, therefore, addict spiders, including the 'Crack Spider's Bitch,' don't really live in the Hinterlands of Canada.

13. If a person can abstain for weeks or even months between drinking bouts, he/she does not have a drinking problem.

14. Eating before and while drinking slows down the body's absorption of alcohol, but there is no magical way to keep alcohol out of the bloodstream.

15. There is no help available for people with alcohol and other drug dependency problems.

16. Passing out is when a person who has consumed alcohol loses consciousness (goes to sleep). A blackout occurs after a person consumes alcohol and doesn't remember what happened, what he/she did or said even though they are conscious. They experience chemically induced memory loss.

17. A high percentage of alcoholics are skidrow bums.

18. Drinking is not as harmful as using illegal drugs such as marijuana, LSD, etc

19. There are no short cuts to sobering up. The body metabolizes alcohol at the rate of approximately one drink per hour. Time is the only way to sober up.

20. Less than 3% of the people who have alcohol problems are skidrow bums. Alcoholism affects people of all ages, social, and economic backgrounds.

21. More men have drinking problems than women.

22. Although alcohol use is legal and more socially acceptable than using illegal drugs, it is still classified as a drug. Alcohol has the potential to be abused and is one of the most abused drugs in society. Alcohol like illegal drugs can be physically and/or psychologically addictive.

23. Research indicates that the prevalence of native drinking is approximately the same in non-native groups. However, of those who drink, more natives have an "excessive drinking" pattern rather than a "social drinking" pattern (Moss 1979, cited in Moss et al, 1985).

24. A person does not have to drink every day or every week to have a problem with alcohol. As well as looking at the amount of drinking, the effect of alcohol on a person's major life areas such as; home, friends, social, school, job, legal, leisure, medical, and financial need to be considered. If sonemone's drinking affects even one of these areas, the person should consider receiving help to keep it from causing more problems.

25. There are a wide variety of services available worldwide people with dependency problems, as well as their families. Self-Help groups (Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Alateen, Adult Children of Alcoholics), detoxification units for males and females, outpatient counselling services, and inpatient counselling services are all available to those who will only seek the help they require.

26. A little drinking doesn't affect driving ability.

How many of these can you guess? How many are true, how many are false or myth?

I'll come back and post the differences soon.

Just for today beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee HAPPY!!

:)