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I have a wide range of interests from writing and blogging to researching on the topic of poverty. I study urban mythology and like to observe how the world works via the way people interact with each other.
A lot of people either won't talk about Sex Addiction or they don't believe it is a problem like other addictions.
Many people imagine that 'sex addicts' are just those who are pedophiles or people who have very strange sexual fantasies and preferences. Some sexual fantasies aren't mixed up with addiction at all - they're just not for everyone.
Perhaps the problem lies partially in the topic of SEX, itself!
North Americans, in particular have a very set view of what types of SEX are normal.
For most people, 'normal sex' doesn't include:
* sex before marriage * sex until a person reaches the age of majority (from 18-21 years old) * female to female sex * male to male sex * role-playing sexual games * loud verbalizing during sex * discussions with partners about what we like during sexual encounters
The list goes on...
We don't talk enough about sex in healthy ways in many countries, cultures, and societies.
This helps people with sexual addiction to misunderstand the difference between 'kinky' or 'preferences' and 'sex addiction.' Sex addiction is a progressive illness that just keeps getting worse and worse for the addict as time goes on. A sex addict MAY NEVER hurt a child or even think of children and sex together in the same fantasies. Though pedophiles are likely also sex addicts, not every sex addict is a pedophile.
Many sex addicts have never engaged in intercourse before the age of majority, though on the other side of the scale, many were sexually abused as children.
Sex addicts have all kinds of situations, childhood experiences, and factors involved in their addiction - just like alcoholics, cocaine addicts, shopping addicts, heroin addicts, meth addicts, gambling addicts, and any other type of addicts.
Sex Addicts can have a successful recovery from their addiction, too. If we start talking about sex and sex addiction, then sex addicts can start to have the same chance of recovery that other addicts have.
Though there are a whole lot of centres for other addictions, there are few that specialize in making sure that sex addiction is treated as a real addiction. Even gamblers seem to be gaining more help these days than those labelled with a sex addiction.
Sex addicts are people with addiction problems that make their lives just as unmanageable as alcohol does to the alcoholic, crack to the cocaine addict.
Please read the article - and don't forget to rate it, as well.
Well, if there is such a thing as 'Virtual Relapse,' then I am over it and back on track now. I actually DID READ some of those articles about Scotch, Scotch Whiskey, etc.
YUK!
I was reading these and remembering how AWFUL that stuff tastes and worse - how AWFUL it smells! I couldn't believe the way that the liquor was being described in the articles.
Unfortunately, some people are LOOKING for those articles and those liquors. I had to remind myself that some people don't get carried away when they drink. I still don't understand why they don't, on more than an academic level.
There was a 'liquor' tasting guide in the package and I was reading that, simply amazed that there are people whose JOBS require them to 'taste' liquor and then SPIT IT OUT!
Man - that would never happen if I ever got hold of REAL liquor.
I thought, at first, that the articles were having a 'trigger' effect on me, but when I got to the article that explained 'liquor tasting' events and parties, I actually learned about contrasts.
The contrasts:
* My still-twisted perception about liquor versus 'just tasting' liquors.
Unfortunately, I will never fall into the second group and will never attempt to follow what was written in the articles, however, it was interesting to read from the point of view of someone NOT affected with addiction.
I applied what I read to a 'cooking' and 'tasting' contest - like a 'bake-off' and found that those really are the kinds of words in the articles, the kinds of points of view that the writer must have been coming from.
Once I could do that, things took on a newer and better meaning.
I think that I am less angry about people WHO CAN drink safely now. I have had a bit of apprehension before about being around people who can have 1 or 2 drinks and then stop.
I realize that partly, this was an anger toward them - about people being able to ingest substances, while I can never touch them again. Hopefully, this anger is gone now. I hope so because it was a confusing feeling to be around friends who might accept a beer with a supper meal while we were dining at a restaurant or something.
Probably, I won't ever feel really comfortable around anyone who drinks, even if they are just having a single beer or hi-ball, but I understand now that THEY CAN.
THEY CAN because they are MINUS the quirk and sickness that makes alcoholics - Alcoholics!
I have asked non-addict friends before - to tell me about why they can drink and I can't - why their experience is different than mine. Up until now, I think that my friends, because they know I cannot drink, they have given only part-truthful answers while being afraid to answer completely openly. Now they don't have to because I know.
A short summary of the research is given at the above link.
Other information if you're interested in finding the entire report yourself:
Published in the following journal
Addiction Volume 102 Issue 2 Page 232 - February 2007 J. Uekermann, S. Channon, K. Winkel, P. Schlebusch, I. Daum (2007) Theory of mind, humour processing and executive functioning in alcoholism Addiction 102 (2), 232–240. doi:10.1111/j.1360-0443.2006.01656.x
The German study conducted to determine differences in how recovering addicts/alcoholics differ from 'healthy' people regarding 'HUMOUR' - basically tells us that
Recovering addicts often have trouble with processing 'humourous' material!
(Sometimes) Addicts Can't Take A Joke. (Sometimes) Addicts Don't 'Get' Jokes. (Sometimes) Addicts don't find things 'funny' that other people do.
The areas tested in the research all involve skills that people use to interpret and understand jokes. Aside from 'mood,' all of the other areas imply that:
An addict's intellectual ability, skewed from abusing substances, is less intellectually tuned to figuring out 'joke material, and...
An addict's memory, skewed from abusing substances, is less capable of drawing on 'previous' information learned - that might assist the addict to 'get the joke'
An addict's psychomotor skills, in question - damaged from substance abuse, are less capable of assisting an addict in the realization of 'punch lines.' You may not think that this 'more physical' area tested wouldn't have anything to do with 'brain-work' but IT DOES because...Psychomotor skills include - INPUT FROM THE EYES, so that external data can be entered to become part of 'brainwork' and the thinking process! An addict's poor 'mentalizing' ability hinders the process of interpreting jokes!
In short - recovering addicts have quite a few damaged areas (even if known only to be scant measures of mental impairment) that fog their ability to see humour as healthier people see humour!
Now that this is known, it's not the end of the world! I thought it was, at first, but after some 'problem-solving,' I realized that if recovering addicts - as well as 'healthy' individuals just keep this information in mind, the addict can learn to think differently by NOT RELYING on only deficient parts of their make-up while healthier people can, if they're aware that the joke they are telling is being processed by a recovering alcoholic, GIVE THE ADDICT MORE TIME for sorting the joke out........and more importantly - BE CALM if the addict is unable to see the humour right away.
Maybe addicts will have to resolve to allow other people to find certain jokes FUNNY even if they don't appreciate the same joke - instead of thinking 'that joke was stupid and that person who thought it was funny - is actually pretty weird (or has a weird sense of humour).'
All in all, if we all agree to disagree, we can all get along, funny or not funny!
How does this further related to addiction, recovery, or this blog - where 12-Step information is ALL OVER THE PLACE?
Well...
Bill W. and Doctor Bob do, in fact, mention in a few places in The Big Book - not to take our addict selves too seriously - but I believe these messages are often overlooked and dwarfed by more graphic wording in The Big Book.
Maybe Bill and Doc Bob were ON TO SOMETHING (that they couldn't properly define in one spot during their time).
Maybe Billy and The B. Doc were trying to say, in a totally non-scientific-non-German-research type of way that:
"Hey heads up! ADDICTS DONT PROCESS HUMOUR THE SAME WAY AS OTHER PEOPLE SO HEADS UP - You'll have to WORK ON IT." (K.I.S.S. version)
Maybe Bill and Doc Bob were (doh) letting fellow-alcoholics KNOW that we often don't understand humour or see humourous content because OUR MINDS process things in a serious fashion...due to long-term damage from our substance abuse. Fellow alcoholics aren't at fault by way of 'character' but by way of physiology - as is supported by the German research.
So, recovery suggestions NOT TO TAKE THINGS SO SERIOUSLY all the time and to DEVELOP A SENSE OF HUMOUR - really are of tantamount importance, aren't they?
It was Mother's Day. Anna and her brother had told their mother to stay in bed that morning. She read her book and looked forward to breakfast. After a long wait she finally went downstairs. Anna and her brother were both eating at the table.
Choice of 4 punchlines:
a) Anna said: "Hi mum, we didn't expect you to be awake so early." b) Anna picked up an egg and smashed it on her brother's head. c) Her brother said: "We have a new teacher at our school." d) Anna said: "It's a surprise for Mother's Day. We cooked our own breakfast."
Okay, that's IT!
Dumb joke, eh?
Anyhow - a measure of responses to similar jokes in the study showed that less than 68 percent of recovering substance abuse users couldn't determine the correct punchline for this joke. Ninety-Two of the participants considered 'healthy' actually 'got the joke' and answered "d."
Here's how the joke should really work:
It was Mother’s Day. Anna and her brother had told their mother to stay in bed that morning. She read her book and looked forward to breakfast. After a long wait she finally went downstairs. Anna and her brother were both eating at the table.
Punchline: d) Anna said: "It's a surprise for Mother's Day. We cooked our own breakfast."
When I first saw this, it wasn't funny to me at all (still isn't!). I looked carefully at all of the punchlines, then walked away from the computer for a minute to think...
Actually - I walked away because NONE OF THE PUNCHLINES MADE ANY SENSE TO ME AT ALL!!
While away for about 2 minutes, I forgot that Anna was the sister, NOT the mother (memory glitch), and I CAME BACK TO CHECK THE TEXT AGAIN. actually - I must say that I feel pretty dumb explaining this, but I think I should 'cos it seems highly likely that others in recovery have similar problems. Maybe if I 'tell' on myself - that I have SUCH TROUBLE in this area - others who also have trouble will feel less 'alone.'
After I checked the text, I thought about 'b' - Anna smashing the egg on her brother's head. I took a moment to imagine this and actually though that THIS WAS FUNNY TO ME, some physical humour - and that some kids I know would find this hilarious - but I remembered that I have a pretty low 'maturity' level at times and that probably ONLY kids (or male teens lol) would find this funny. I had to reason that the joke was told to 'healthy' adults and recovering adult addicts and that this would not be the right punchline.
After all of THAT - I thought about Anna's brother's TEACHER and was INSTANTLY SIDETRACKED (again) wondering what the teacher would think of Anna smashing an egg on the head of her brother. I reasoned that the teacher would probably think Anna's brother, along with Anna - was from a WILD HOME where the mother let the kids smash eggs on each others' heads........then I thought (seriously!) "OMG Anna's MOTHER is who this joke is about!!" I made a mental note (seriously) that sometimes teachers 'ASSUME THINGS' about parents that aren't true of the parents - when the kids show up at school and talk about their siblings... I thought of all these things before turning my attention BACK TO THE SITUATION OF THE JOKE.
Anna said: "It's a surprise for Mother's Day. We cooked our own breakfast."
About this statement, I thought it was totally 'un-funny,' but I thought that a kid (Anna) who would look after her little brother...then I got SIDETRACKED AGAIN, realizing that I only ASSUMED that Anna was the older sibling - without having been given any kind of information about the childrens' ages in the joke! Still, I resolved NOT TO LOOK AT THE TEXT again because the punchlines were only confusing me (really, I WAS confusing ME, according to this research! lol).
Next, I thought 'who cares about the kids' ages? and I went with Anna being old enough to cook breakfast, regardless of how old she and her brother were and I decided that some kids are old enough to cook breakfast. I remembered that the joke was about Mother's Day and that a lot of kids DO NICE THINGS for their mother on Mother's Day. This didn't seem like enough of a reason to pick punchline 'd' but I was completely fed up with the joke by this point and I selected punchline 'd'.........
.............then dashed to the computer to re-read 'my final answer' whether it made sense or not.
It made enough sense - that the kids made 'their' breakfast instead of their Mother's breakfast on Mother's Day. So they were not being nice to Mom on Mother's Day in the way that Mom thought they would be.
Apparently - that is the end of the joke and that's what is funny about it - that there was a mis-communication and that the Mom was thinking like a Mom and the kids were thinking like 'kids' and the Mom didn't get any breakfast.
*shaking my head* Seriously - I worked on this joke for 5 minutes and now that I have explained, in all truth, how my 'recovery-affected' mind dealt with a very simple joke, I am going to once again take a walk and try to forget about the process that seemed to take forever!
I know I said I would post the remainder of the German study, etc., but it will have to wait for a bit.....I am going to go for a walk and try to think of a joke that is actually FUNNY.
You might not guess what one of the most important things is, when considering 'cleaning up' and maintaining clean recovery...
Nope - it's not the sponsor. A sponsor is important...but what do you do when your sponsor is temporarily unavailable...?
Nope - it's not meetings. Meetings are important...but what do you do when you're in trouble during REAL LIFE SITUATIONS and you can't dash out from a 'business engagement,' school, a family situat, road trip, etc., and run off to a meeting...?
Nope - it's not "Do the work" or "Write it out like 'The Book' says or most OTHER 12-Step-driven suggestions. All of those are important, too...but what do you do if, while you're 'working through,' or 'writing it out,' you encounter SERIOUS emotional reactions (very likely to occur, but this will help you understand YOUR ADDICTION in order to combat it)...and you're taking into consideration what you learned at your last 12-step meeting, all your sponsor's suggestions, etc., and YOU STILL FEEL like you're in trouble...?
THE ANSWER:
Go ahead and go the scientific route!
And that will lead to HUMOUR!!
HUMOUR is TOTALLY USEFUL in recovery!
Seriously!! Humour is really, really really important in recovery.
But first - we need to understand about how substance abuse actually impairs 'humour' in recovering addicts.
A respected Journal simply called, 'Addiction' recently aired a the results of a recent German study that indicated that problem drinkers can't really take a joke as well as some people.
The research subjects were 29 patients in Bochum Germany known to be in recovery because they were - well....... they were in a west-German treatment facility. The control group by which the 'recovery group' was compared were 29 people considered healthy by the researchers' standards. The 29 addicts/alcoholics and the 29 healthy people were all given the same tests.
Part of the testing involved a section where all participants read JOKES! The addicts didn't get some of the jokes, even though some of the punchlines could be realized through logic if one so choose to be 'dead serious' rather than use their propensity for humour! Still - through tools of LOGIC PLUS HUMOUR, the addict group didn't see the humour where they should, as compared with the 29 healthy people. (So - SMARTS plus Humour were lower in addicts than they were in healthy people).
There was more involved in the research other than just measuring responses to jokes. The other things measured helped to uncover WHY addicts might not 'get the jokes.'
Mood was measured Intellectual ability was measured Memory abilities were measured Psychomotor skills were measured Mentalizing ability (perception and 'other-people-awareness') was measured - aptitude for predicting and understanding other peoples' behaviors.
And, of course, 'capacity to appreciate jokes' was measured.
(Interjection.....) I read a sample joke from the Addiction Journal article - which was used in the research. I had to read the joke TWICE...and my opinion forever is that it is a really BAD JOKE! I will offer it near the end, after I give you all of the information about the study - PLUS - it's such a total groaner that I don't want to lose readers...I definitely had to USE LOGIC instead of real 'haha-ability' in order to get the right answer, believe it or not.
My 'opinion,' believe it or not - actually SUPPORTS the findings of this study. I'm kinda P-O-ed about this, because I consider myself to have a really broad and open sense of humour! After reading the full article about the study, however, I feel kind of fortunate to have been able to get the right answer...because now I know, from a certain scientific standpoint - that there is a definite 'block' to my funny-bone, so-to-speak, and that I should work harder on seeing things differently. I know now that I may have to use logic along with open-ness to 'humour' - for the rest of my life - in order to understand jokes (humour, intricate uses of language, subtle variations of word-play, and determination of OTHER PEOPLES' behavior etc...) that come easily to healthier people. (End of interjection...)
92 percent of the 'healthier' people but LESS THAN 68 percent of the addict group were able to select the correct punchline. As I said before - the joke will follow closer to the end - if I type it in now, you'll GROAN SO BAD - if you're a recovering addict - that you may not even finish reading. Apparently, if you're a 'healthy' person, you'll appreciate and 'get' the joke but I'm worried that you will laugh so hysterically, enjoying the joke - that you'll fall over and not finish reading about the study.
*LOL* ??
The recovery/addict group also fared worse in the mood, intellect, memory, psychomotor skill and 'mentalizing' parts of the testing.
The fact that recovering addicts didn't do so well, especially in the 'mentalizing' parts of the testing, is a pretty clear reinforcement of what is known about an addict's lessened ability to 'socialize' well like more healthy people do.
Jokes occur primarily in social settings. Naturally, there are other ways to put jokes forth, such as through comics, books, forwarded emails, etc., which leave the 'reader' alone with the joke - to interpret the joke in whatever way necessary - however this research concentrated largely on the form of jokes that would occur in a social situation (where the 'receiver' of the joke might gain information from SOMEONE ELSE about how to properly receive the joke).
Because addicts did poorly in other areas tested, we can make a general assumption that addicts really DO HAVE A PROBLEM in the 'HUMOUR' area!
Okay - this post is too long already...and contains some information that recovering addicts might not like at all (I Don't Like It! I can 'appreciate it' but I am still pretty ticked off to find out that I AM ONE WHO DOES NOT INTERPRET JOKES WELL, when before, I thought I ROCKED in the 'getting jokes' area). Actually, I am going for a walk to cool off before I post the BAD JOKE - I am having a 'Drama Queen attack of Can't-Stand-It-itis' over all this! I'll include the *cough*(hiding the 'j' word) , final comments about the German study, and how this all relates to why HUMOUR IS OF TANTAMOUNT IMPORTANCE TO RECOVERING ADDICTS in the next post!
It's a darned good thing that Bill W. was a rotten, lousy, stinkin' DRUNK...'cos once he and Doctor Bob got together and figured out how a program with 12 simple (not easy - SIMPLE - don't confuse the two!) steps could help other drunkards, alcoholism lost its POWER over a great many people. Bill W. and Doctor Bob must have known that I would be born in their same century and that by year 2004, I would have lived 20+ years of drunkennes and NEED THEIR HELP DESPERATELY!
I'm glad that Bill W. was a lousy, drunken jerk - 'cos without his efforts, I would probably be dead by now. Or - I'd be sittin' in a run-down bar or lounge INFLICTING CHAOS on anyone near. (Have you seen "My Name Is Bill W" with James Woods (Bill W.) and James Garner (Doctor Bob)? You should!)
The 12-Steps are definitely DAMAGE CONTROL for me.
I don't think the world is out to get me anymore - therefore I treat people with respect now (change in THINKING and in action). I don't think the only way to cope with EVERYTHING is to have a drink - therefore, I engage in many productive activities now (changes in decision-making, problem-solving, and in actions). I don't get drunk anymore - so I don't drive drunk, fall down, pass out or throw up anymore in public! (change in behaviors, less self-centred perceptions - able to think of others) I don't manipulate people to buy me drinks anymore - so I don't cost people money anymore. (changed behaviors, spiritual growth, and a new moral integrity).
If I never do anything otherwise HELPFUL in the world for the rest of my life, I have already alleviated a TON OF CHAOS from the world by not being drunk anymore!
People are SAFE on the roads near my house - because I'm not on the roads or walking down the street with a beer, either driving illegally or walking drunk. Yes, I actually had tickets before when I drank - for 'walking drunk.'! (No rocket science here - I got 'walking drunk' tickets - I also lost my driving permit...as many drunks do).
Am I embarrassed to say that I used to manipulate people for money (so that I could continue to drink), fall down, pass out, drive drunk, walk drunk, lose my driving permit, and create chaos?
Heck - yeah - I'm still kind of embarrassed at the things I was doing 3 years ago. For sure.
But if I share that DAMAGE CONTROL has gotten me UNDER CONTROL, then maybe someone else hearing of someone so rotten drunk that they drove drunk, got tickets for walking drunk, passed out, manipulated people and created chaos - will think that maybe THEY TOO can get their chaos under control with the help of 12 Step programs. Damage Control is available to ANYONE.
To tell the honest truth, I don't KNOW a great deal about 12 Step programs and that's the beauty of them! You don't have to understand every single detail of the 12-Steps in order to benefit.
I underwent counselling for alcohol issues before I used 12 Step programs effectively - and I 'figured out' the ghist of the counselling, then decided I was sooooo smart...and I went and congratulated myself for being so smart...by going to the bar and buying myself a well-deserved drink! My counsellor didn't get on my back, either...we were talkin' about 'harm reduction' and all that jazz...so I drank less for a while and did less harm LOL. Finally - after about 5 weeks of this counselling, I decided that the counsellor was taking up way too much of my 'harm-reduced' drinking time!
Whatever.
12-Step program literature, when I read it, didn't mince words. The A.A. 'Big Book' used PLAIN ENGLISH that frightened me - words like:
In A BAD WAY, at first (because I ran away from it before I had read enough)...
I was scared peepless at first, and put THAT NASTY BOOK DOWN for a few months and headed out to the bar where there were PEOPLE TO PROTECT ME FROM THAT AWFUL LITERATURE! LOL. (The 'few months' stretched into 30+ months).
When I found A.A. literature again, I was at my lowest E-V-E-R. I was so depressed during hangovers that I feared for my life. Acquaintances said, around this time (and for the last 6mo of my drinking career), that when I passed out, I was 'out' for so long, and so still, with breathing so shallow that they were worried I was dead. They used to check on me - not to see if I was okay - but under the fear of having to call authorities and explain my death. My hangovers were literally 'fevered,' I had blackouts while the alcohol was leaving my system (would suddenly pass out after being awake, hungover, for a few hours), had uncontrollable shakes and definitiely worried about seizures. Not to mention the PANIC attacks...
I recalled the word 'death' in the literature, but not many others at the time. Just 'death,' 'disease,' and 'spiritual bankruptcy.' I realized that when I stopped drinking, my body was FAILING ME due to its need to acquire addictive substances - whether I decided in my mind to stop using or not. I understood that I was experiencing this 'spiritual bankruptcy,' but I STILL DREADED reading about it in the Big Book.
Naturally, at first, I thought that the Big Book was going to just give me more jargon and lists of 'scary' things and I sure didn't need to be more scared on the day that the understanding of 'spritual bankruptcy' hit home for me! I was too weak, too confused, depressed, humiliated by my own incompetency in life to just go to an A.A. meeting. Someone working at a shelter I stayed in finally asked me,
"Are you ready now - can I make a call for you?" and I said, "Yes."
The shelter worker called a women's Addiction Treatment Centre for me and that began the proccess of recovery for me. A worker at the treatment centre, when I started DAY 1 of a 28-day program told me,
"Don't worry about 'The Book,' the counselling, the group - or anything...just remember, you're in here to learn 'DAMAGE CONTROL.' That's all you need to remember."
Here's a little video to remind of how DAMAGING drugs and alcohol can be.
Warning: The opening minute and a half is quite graphic and 'Adult Themed' tho' it shows some people who could be of 'Youth' age, so I believe it is appropriate enough for this blog. If you are recently 'on the wagon,' however, you might wish to let the video load and come to watch it only once you hear the vocals start.
#1. K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple, Smartarse! #2. Don't Drink or 'Pick Up.' #3. Go Back to #1 if you're having trouble remembering how to live without using. #4. If you skipped #3, GO TO #2 and SIT STILL! #5. BREATHE...this, too, will come to pass.
